Dear Ruling Class,
This is your last chance and you know it. When your commentators come on Marketplace on National Public Radio (bossed by the hustler who ran Radio Free Europe) and announce that nobody trusts the government, everyone is outraged at the Wall Street bailout, and that the politicians are “pygmies,” who cannot get anything right, you know you are up Shit’s Creek, without a yacht.
So, this is the first and last time I am going to tell you how to save your collective trim asses, for free. It’s a loss leader. Next time, after you have recognized my wisdom and acted on it, I expect you to use your leverage and publish every long thing I write in the New Yorker and all my letters sent to the New York Times. No deals.
Now, what is up? Collapsed economy. Distrust in the government. Lost foreign wars. Massive growing unemployment and inequality. Youth unemployed. Foreclosures. Homelessness. Gas prices. Food. Unrest among yourselves—and no talent to boot. Obama vs McCain? Yeah. Right. That is why you need me.
You all and I know that this is the perfect mix for a revolution. Surely, you can sigh and get relief from the fact that there really is no Left rooted in those worn out slogans: Freedom and Equality! and you can count on your legions of postmodernists, Trotskyites, Stalinists, Avakianites, LaRouchists, and the usual mix of priests, nuns and public school teachers to keep things afloat for awhile, but you know This Could Be IT, so listen up.
This is the plan.
Kidnap Sarah Palin. On the Sunday after Halloween (do not mess with the last big shop for Americans, and a Sunday is a nice touch). Who will do that? The Black Al Queda in person: Chiamaka (“God is splendid”) Bin Cherocawa Laden.
You should see the beauty of it. OUR hot little spunky number in the hands of the all the dark, male, anti-Christs personified. It is a John Wayne movie gone international.
What do you have to lose? Palin? Oh, right. Hair flip. She will make great videos, dignified, still perky, not quite terrified, momentarily steely, manhandled and a bit disheveled, enough to reveal some cleavage, from whatever Arizona studio you did those moon landings in.
The horror of it all. Right before OUR election, THEY grab our gal. Hoo boy, American gone wild. And you lose nothing but Palin (a brilliant McCain pick as this demonstrates).
She’s movable, without the cost of moving: “We have received the following video(audio, Morse Code, whatever) from the tribal regions of Pakistan (Afghan Mountains, Teheran, San Francisco, whatever) from the Black Al Queda saying they are holding Vice Presidential Hopeful Palin (always good to heave in Hope) threatening bodily harm and maybe death if the US president does not...yadayada,” (might even allow you to cancel elections in time of crisis and makes possible pinpoint bombing from OUR–remember it is always OUR---unmanned, hell-bound Drones--nothing like hitting another wedding party to dissuade dissent)
Declare TRANSPARENCY. Again. This time it counts. Everything the government is going to do will always be right out the open.
Abolish the Freedom of Information Act.
Establish Official Logophobia. No press of any kind (watch the net) will be allowed to use the following words: Capitalism. Imperialism. Class War. Contradiction. Nothing In Common. History. War Crime. Personal Responsibility. Tyranny. Revolution. Change. Analysis. Materialist. No God(s). Grand Strategy. Strategy. Tactics. Connect Reason To Power. Freedom. Equality. (The list has to be flexible and will expand as the weasels use thesauruses).
Official Logophobia will be only a small problem as the American Left opposes nearly all these words anyway (review your notes on your insiders in the Communist Party USA and their front groups like UFPJ, etc—they will help).
The horrific kidnaping means Red Alert. Close watch on everyone. Watch what you say, doubled and trumped. Layoff one third of the government employees. Quietly rehire them (earn gratitude), to watch the remaining employees.
Demolish confidence and pride under the slogan: “We are Trusting, Confident, and Superb!” Using the No Child Left Behind Act, declare all high school football teams “winners,” then cause them all to lose 51 percent of their games. Fear not. It works with NCLB testing, in reverse. Ask the authors.
Continue the spectacles like Baseball, Football, BasketBall, Casinos, Mixed Martial Arts (the utmost!) Dog Fighting, Pole Dancing, Searching Craigs’ List Erotic Services, but escalate the hierarchies by causing each ticket to be a different price, and telling everyone that the people seated nearby are interloping scum. Have the Cubs win the league, get eliminated by the Dodgers. They have Watts. Let the Padres lose all the time. People who believe in them will believe anything. Have the Rays win everything now they exorcized the Devil. The Yankees can lose two years in a row, but must win it all for twelve years after that. The Tigers are to come in second, every year. Detroiters are saps (Lions’ fans) and the white ones have the Wings.
Pump money into the Pentecostals. They have snakes and glossolalia. They make you look and sound good and still attract a crowd. Remind the Catholics the Snake dancers are competition and tell the Episcopalians they are competition.
Open “For A Penny” Stores. Give credit up to a dollar. Lets the desperate shop again. Shrink the shopping carts so they seem full.
Nuke Teheran on Novemeber 2nd. The howlers from the Fresno State game will be joined by millions on all the nation’s freeway overpasses waiving flags, proving my thesis that the vile liberals are wrong: the good folk ain’t opposed to war. They are opposed to losing wars.
Nuke whatever town is next to Teheran the next day, tamps down protests. Drop a million flags and a hundred thousand one dollar bills all over Iran. Tell the people to come out and waive the flags. Tell the people that whoever gathers up $12,000 dollars by any means necessary gets another 12,000 (twelve apostles, of course). Do not tell the press you threatened to nuke whatever town did not produce a thousand flag waivers for the cameras.
Double the number of US layoffs (300,000 for October would be a good guess)pension eliminations, and cut back health care. It scares hell out of people and keeps them busy. Eliminate mailed unemployment checks. Make the louts stand in line again, but work the lines like Disney. They’ll wait for hours if they think waiting is entertainment. One important rule: No talking in line or no check.
Open up thousands of minimum wage jobs, but make the minimum wage a sustenance only “grant.” This falls in line nicely with the widely accepted practice, supported by most of the union leaders, of multi-tier wage systems, but answers their problem by creating but one tier, the bottom.
Double the pay of union leaders.
Proclaim the “Eighty Hour Work Week!” as a Jobs Initiative Reform and Kinesis: Jirk.
(Nobody knows what kinesis means anymore—thank the teachers and give 10 percent of them a merit raise based on their kids’ test scores. Abolish health care for the rest. Then abolish health care for the Merit Teachers on the grounds that the others used up all their money).
Give the union leaders a 12 percent raise, explaining it is like the apostles. Arrest a few union leaders. Let them get some headlines. Give them another 12 percent raise.
Declare: Solidarity is stupid. They are not as good as you. Give and receive benevolence.
Stage some Democratic/Republican fist fights in Congress and the Senate. Throw a bi-partisan party in a subterranean war room with Cheney and Bush and the Clintons and Obamas and have a good laugh—maybe a group grope. Offer Cindy McCain. Great dead-blue eyes at least. It is a century’s old tradition, eh?
Stir up the Russians and Somalian pirates. Expanded wars keep people as busy as the new Jirk program. Wars keep the flags flying. The Ruskies and the Somalis won’t win for five years and who can see beyond that anyway?
Remind the citizens that a Strong Leader is needed in time of war. Should one turn into a drunk or child pornographer, find another Strong Leader. Learn from the Church.
Stop counting the US dead altogether. Feed them to those war criminals in the secret prisons. Expand the secret prisons but do not keep them too secret.
Focus on the need for popular humility. People’s power is loyalty and obedience. That is real democracy.
Sex is fear. It is bad, it is disease, it is sin. The only good sex is bought sex. Goes for the homos too.
Kill the ones with ideas. Nobody will miss them for some time to come. Back the ones who say, “Baby Steps.” Nobody remembers what an idea is anyway. Can you kill an entire people? Find an Aztec. An idea? Find Marx, other than in daily life.
You know my deal. It is good for a couple of years, enough to set up a foreign stash and make your plans to flee. When you leave, promise to take me with you. Promise. No crossing the fingers on me. I am your savior.